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Recent mails (they are stripped of any personal references!):

Question: I would like to know whether there exists a text about Radharani as an example for women to contribute to their spiritual life. Not only how to be a wife or servant, but to be a teacher.

Answer by the Soul Doctor:

Dear XXX,
Hare Krsna. Sri Sri Guru Gauranga Jayatah.

First, please forgive me for not answering this sooner. Actually, I immediately answered this, but right after I typed out the email, the electricity "died here" and has not come back until now.

I am not so sure if I am understanding your question accurately, but let me try:

You are asking if there is any example of Vaishnavis who have acted as teachers. You specifically mentioned Srimati Radharani. At any rate, write back to me if I am not understanding your question, and please be patient with me because right now there is a problem with the electric and the phone, so I am not able to access the computer here.

First, (sadly) there is not so much information about the Vaishnavis in our line who have done so much service for Lord Caitanya. But we do know that Jahnava Mata at one point was actually the predominant leader of the sampradaya to whom all of the devotees looked. She was in this position after Lord Nityananda left the planet, and she gave initiation to different Vaishnavas.

We also know of Mirabhai who, although technically married, was really "married" to Krsna and simply served Krsna as she wanted.

We know of the wives of the brahmins who, although married, went to Krsna to serve Him and Balaram at the request of the gopas. And they did not regard the wishes of their husbands. We also know of the gopis, who, when Krsna called them with his flute, disregarded all social custom, and ran to serve Krsna.

You asked about a text about Srimati Radharani, but I am not exactly sure what you are asking.

As far as ladies go in general, it does not really matter whether they are married or not, in terms of one's being able to teach others. Even some of the very great male spiritual masters were married and we still recognize their examples: Lord Nityananda, Sri Advaita Acarya, Sarvabauma Bhattacarya, Ramananda Raya, etc. Gandhari tried to instruct her husband when he was making wrong decisions. And Draupadi chastised all of the great men (including her husbands) when Karna had declared her as being won, and Duhsasana dragged her into that assembly.

We know of Shubari who, in her love for Lord Ramacandra taught us what was unadulterated love, when she would taste each cherry before giving it to Lord Ramacandra to make sure it was sweet.

I know that many ladies get concerned about the examples about women because (sadly) our men in their immaturity are not always able to recognise that women can also be great devotees, even to the point of surpassing men. As Krsna says in BG, 9.32: anyone who has love for Krsna can go to Goloka Vrndavan and obtain the Lotus Feet of Sri Sri Radha and Krsna. Even Lord Caitanya - who would keep His distance from woman to set an example - was so pleased by the devotion of the mataji who stood near the Garuda Stambha with one foot on His shoulder to see Lord Jagannath. And Madhavi Mahiti was considered the fourth intimate associate of Lord Caitanya. (I do not know if she was married or not). But these bodily conceptions are not important to suddha bhaktas and to Krsna. And in one sense, we should not be so concerned about them. Whether one is a man or a woman, we should take the inspiration of those great Vaishavas or Vaishnavas who have rendered such inspiring service to Guru and Krsna. And we should also remember the example of the spider who, in his love was putting grains of sand to help Lord Ramacandra build His bridge to Lanka. Lord Ramacandra saw that spider's service as being equal to that of Hanuman.

If there is any further question, please ask.

I remain your servant,
The Soul Doctor

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Question:

i was wondering about being a widow. i was married to an abusive man. My children and i feared for our lives and even had to hide from him. this was three years ago. since then i hold no grudges or ill feelings towards my husband. My children how ever have not forgiven him, as they are still growing and maturing. a year and a half ago i decided to wear white and not remarry. Do i regard myself as this mans wife still? i am sure he will remarry. i have had conflicting input on my particular position. Where do i fit in Vaisnava culture? it seems most places have little facility for a single mother of four with no means of income exept a meager disability pension. i feel at times suicidle over my situation. and yes i am being treated for depression. just wondering where i can fit....i end up felling useless and a burden. thanks for listening

Answer by Keshava-priya dd:

Thank you for sending your question. I am already thinking about how to reply the whole morning. It is not an easy question. Let me first refer you to some qualified souls who might be able to give some answers as well, but I will definitely share my perspective on your question as well (at the end of the letter).

As far as your remark regarding a single mother of 4 is concerned. Did you happen to look at the section "Vishnupriya Ashrams" on the www.vaisnavi.com website? Paramadvaiti Maharaja has created the Vishnupriya Ashrams for women. In some of those ashrams, there are also women with children, and they all take care of maintenance and education. It's just an idea. You may want to check it out, or maybe not. I know a lot of ladies who are very happy living in the ashrams.

I am not sure whether you already read Swami Tripurari's article called "Widows remarrying"? You can find it here. And in the light of this article draw some similarities to your personal question.

Please don't think I am suggesting you to remarry! Everybody has to be situated in a way that suits them the best, in order to keep their minds peaceful and be able to concentrate on making spiritual progress. So, whether marrying, divorcing, remarrying, wearing white. Those are all personal choices we make. A choice either based on the direct order of a spiritual master who has our welfare in mind, or based on our personal understanding and experience to whatever "brings balance to our lives, and helps us to focus more on our spiritual pursuit".

I do not know how old your children are, whether they still visit their father and whether they are attached to him. But depending on the answers to those questions, it is easier to completely forget about dealing with your precious husband or not. If the children still spend time with him, he will always be part of your life a bit.

You decided to wear white and not remarry. A courageous decision. I respect you for that. In this day and age, we have to deal with the reality of our times, and thus it may seem difficult to find our place in a vaisnava society. However, the real thing that seems to bother us is having the vedic ideal on the one hand, and the reality of couple breaking up on the other. I do not think these two are mutually exclusive for practicing spiritual life. The ideals are our guiding lines in how we cope with our current time, place and personal circumstances.

In my personal opinion you are not obliged to think of this person as your man. He is not your partner anymore, especially if he remarries. However, that also depends how you are feeling about this personally. But with his abusive attitude in your previous relationship, I can imagine you are not very inclined to do so. However, he will always be the father of your children. And maybe for their sake it might be necessary to simply 'respect him from a distance.

I understand this is a difficult task. It would be difficult for anybody in a similar situation. Taking care of 4 children on you own is not easy. Especially if you have to worry about finances as well. I admire people like yourself who are able to find the courage to keep up with society, and maintain their spiritual life.

I am not sure whether this answer was very helpful, but I would like you to know that I am always there to listen or to chat a bit. If you want to tell me a bit more about yourself, feel free to share. And I might be able to make some other suggestions?

Your little servant,
Keshava-priya dd

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Question:

Dear soul doctor (what a great title you have!),
I wonder if you can advise me. Please forgive me that this must be longish question, as it is quite complex. I am a western woman devotee who has come to Krsna consciousness in the middle of my life, after a broken marriage, the loss of my two children to their father, and so many of the heavy sins unknowingly committed by so many western women, in our ignorance, and in the chaos of kali yuga, on my conscience. A very dirty mirror, you might say. When I had been chanting Hari Nama for a few months only, but in a very sincere and enthusiastic mood, I was introduced to a Bengali brahmacarya, in a temple, where he was head pujari. We only met very briefly, but he contacted me afterwards and within a few weeks asked me to marry him. At first I was astonished and refused, for obvious reasons, but the strength of feeling that had already ignited in my heart made me start to believe that this must be some extraordinary mercy of the Lord. I had never experienced anything like this feeling in my whole life, and as I could sense that it was mutual, I changed my mind and accepted. There followed a most beautiful, intense six months. We were at opposite sides of the earth and it was a relationship conducted over the phone. He became everything to me, his Hari Katha was the sweetest, his tenderness, his intelligence, his wit, his kindness and understanding, were like a dream come true. I felt totally protected, even 12,000 miles apart. He said it didn't matter to him that I had been married before, have children. He planned to leave his temple life, tickets and visa were arranged, the wedding planned, and my heart was full of bliss. I was completely surrendered and had total faith in him, he was everything to me, to be his saha dharmani was the only thing I wanted. I would have lived as a beggar beside him, it wouldn't have mattered. And then, with just a few weeks to go, he called it all off and cut all contact with me. As you can imagine I was completely devastated (to say nothing of my utter humiliation before my family and friends) and to this day cannot fully understand what happened. I thought maybe he had decided to take sanyassa after all, but instead he has left temple life, I hear, and is out working.

It is now six months since this crisis, but I still feel utterly broken hearted, confused and confounded by it all. Although I have since had the good fortune to receive initiation from a bona fide guru, and feel I am making some progress in my spiritual life, I cannot get this man out of my heart or my mind, he made me so completely his that he is still the first thought of every day, and I miss him at every moment. I pray for him, but more, alas I weep for him, and feel as if I can't bear to live without him. At the same time I know that this is a foolish material attachment, which is holding me back from developing my relationship with the Lord. But why did it happen? Is it a suffering resulting from the karma of my earlier life, a mercy in fact? What did the Lord want from me by putting me in this position? Am I supposed to remain in mourning like this for some purpose I don't yet understand? If not, how do I get over it, because it is tearing my heart to pieces? This is not the sort of thing one can easily put before one's guru, I think you will understand. I feel like a great fool, a stupid, "over emotional" woman. When it first happened I wrote to Swami Tripurari, by the way. He replied that he thought I had been cheated. But I cannot accept that he cheated me, I know he was sincere, but that something went wrong for him and he couldn't explain what. He suffered so much also, I know. He wasn't a cheater, but maybe Krsna was trying to teach him some lesson and used me to do that???? Please can you give me some advice? What should I do? I miss him somuch, it's driving me crazy. Even though I have a busy life and many blessings come my way by the Lord's kindness, and I am much inspired in my work (I am a writer and journalist), still I miss my husband constantly. He used to say we had been married before, and I think that's true, it felt as if we had known each other forever, soul mates. His absence is a torment to me, and not even knowing why, or what has happened to him. Dear sister, I trust you with this burden of my heart. I cannot thank you enough for your time and consideration.

Answer 1 by Keshava-priya dd:

Thank you for writing! I've read your letter on Saturday, and I've been thinking how to respond to it. To be honest, your story is a sad one indeed. Cause it's easy to say "it happened, learn your lesson and get over with it", but being in your shoes, that must be a very difficult thing to do. Your struggling with this for quite a while now, so your sincere question deserves attention. I must admit that when I was reading your story, my first thoughts were the same as Tripurari Swami's... I also think you've been cheated. I don't know your background, nor do I know where you are living. But from the fact that you have an excellent command of English, I assume you're American, or British, or Australian? Maybe I'm wrong. But a lot of these Bengali boys are looking for a Western wife in order to be able to enter the country. We've hared these stories many times before. For example, many Northern American temples were looking for pujaries. Solution? Iskcon imported lots of Bengali brahmacari's to do pujari service in the temples. They are all very very eager to come to the West, but once they're there (and the traveling expenses paid by the temple), they loose interest in Krishna consciousness and hope to look for a good job and a wife that can keep them in the country.. I'm not saying this is your story, or this is what happened to you. You are a better person to judge the situation, and you still feel he was sincere. However, I must admit that I cannot get rid of the impression that you've been cheated, based on all the stories I've heard from lots of ladies (and temple presidents 'importing' Bengali's).

However, that does not fix the pain in your heart! So, you still need to work this out. You ask why this happens. That I cannot answer. Whether Krishna is using you to learn him a lesson, is one thing. The other is that Krishna is putting us in situation not only to teach others, but also to learn ourselves. I am not in the position to know why this terrible thing is happening to you. But it is a good attitude of yours to try to find out, and be conscious of the fact that you also have something to learn here. Maybe you don't know yet at this moment in time, but time will reveal why. One thing is for sure: it was not meant to be (at this point in time). So, you should try to focus on the things that are inspiring to you, rather than than think about what could have been, or why you were treated unfair. That must be a difficult job, I know. However, if we try to remember that we make the most advancement when our faith and steadiness is tested, you can turn this negative situation and view it as an opportunity to advance. Stumbling blocks on our path of devotional service are not impediments but opportunities to make progress. This may sound incredibly difficult to comprehend for you at this moment . But one day you will be able to look back at this situation.

I'm not sure whether this reply has been helpful. I do hope and pray you get the strength and courage to get past this obstacle. In order to get there, you must look deep into your soul and find out whatever enthuses you the most in spiritual life. Whether that is reading, or bhajan, or listening to lectures, or association with the devotees, doesn't matter. I do know that this can help you to deal with your broken heart. We all know a broken heart is hard to mend. It would be easy if I could just include some glue and tell you this is the magic formula. Unfortunately, it doesn't work like that. Time heals. But devotees have on major advantage to get passed this: we have the philosophical background to explain about attachments, and thus we are able to see this in a different light. That helps us overcome.

Your servant,
Keshava-priya dd

Answer 2 by the Soul Doctor:

Alright, let me TRY to say some things in this regard. First, I hope you did not mind my slight joking with you, "I am here" etc. I understand your feeling great remorse over this, yet I am a person who feels that at times, trying to inject a little bit of a sense of humor even into what may seem the most devastating set of circumstances, can at times lighten the heavy burden.

You asked many questions as to "why" has this happened. "Was it because...???" "Did Krsna..."

First and foremost; in this material there is NO surity, other than the surety that we are ALL going to die at SOME point, and we do NOT know when.

As to the exact reason WHY this devotee "broke it off," I can not say, and it seems that he did not tell you his reason. We can speculate and give so many reasons, one of which, Tripurari Maharaj gave to you. I am NOT saying that that is the reason. I don't know what is the reason, although I could (and did) within one, two minutes, think of SO MANY reasons as to WHY this happened.

In one sense, it does not matter WHY it happened, (other than it might satisfy your curiosity), but the fact is that it did happen, and now you have to figure out what you should do in terms of continuing to live your life so that you can make the BEST situation with it in terms of your developing both spiritually and materially in relation to the spiritual. And NO, I am NOT being impersonal and ignoring your situation. I am DEFINITELY thinking about the so many factors and the whys, and whats, (what could happen in the future). It may even be possible that at some point, this devotee will contact you again, (and maybe not).

First, there is the possibility of what Tripurari Maharaj said. (And I am saying "possibility.' But I am NOT saying that this is the fact.) I do NOT know the devotee, (and even if I did, I might NOT know his heart) but it IS possible that he was just using you to get to America. Sadly, a LOT of Indian devotees do this. Even I was used by some Indian devotees in this manner. And again, I am NOT saying that this devotee was doing this with you; I am just saying it could be a possibility.

It is also possible that he really did have attachment for you, and then when he started thinking about the whole picture, (his family, friends, and what THEY would think, feel, and how they would react) that could be a reason why he did as he did. If he is coming from one of those traditional Indian families where things are very "tight" then it COULD be a BIG problem that this boy wanted to marry a Western woman.

And there could be some other reasons.

If you are able to communicate with him, MAYBE you could ask him what were his reasons, (and you could even "suggest" what you are thinking MIGHT be his reasons, and he might be able to answer according to that. Your putting your ideas to him in this regard might make it easier for him to tell you since you have "come out with it" first.)

Getting past the reasons, obviously it is NOT easy to just "Hey, put it all away and forget it!" But in another sense, we can ponder upon something until the day we die, and we may never "get our answers" or get rid of the pain we feel over what has happened.

This material world is NOT a nice place, and it is NOT nice because ALL of us are looking for that PERFECT relationship, that PERFECT (ETERNAL) love, which can NOT be found here, but can ONLY be found in Goloka Vrndavan.

EVEN IF you had married "that 'WONDERFUL' man" who knows what might have happened. Maybe he would have come to your country to live, and he would have gotten shot by some maniac, or hit by a car, or... and then you would also have been "most devastated" again asking questions, "Why did this happen... "How could this be..." "What..." etc. We are such creatures of mind that WHENEVER ANYTHING happens that makes us NOT feel good, we are always asking these kind of questions. When something (we think to be good) happens, we NEVER ask, "Krsna, WHY did You do that?" Or, "Krsna, WHAT did I do to deserve this?" etc.

For whatever reason, Krsna arranged for this to happen. Ultimately for a devotee, WHATEVER happens, (be it our mind considering it to be "good" or "bad") it is ALL good. Because Krsna is DIRECTLY arranging it so that we can take it and USE it in such a way that it will HELP us to go back to Godhead, and to see this material world for WHAT IT REALLY IS.

Srila Prabhupada used to say, "This material world is no place for a gentleman. It is like the stoolroom; one has to do one's business and GET OUT!!!

So xxxx Mataji, please do NOT think that I am giving you one of those "pat" impersonal answers; I truly am NOT. I can tell by your letter that you are NOT some foolish woman. (And I am NOT flattering you either.) Obviously this IS causing great pain to you, and I would not be so foolish as to tell you, "Hey, put this to the side, and stop asking these questions. Just go on with your life," because answers like that are "quick" and "easy" ways to "deal" with things. But in another sense, sometimes we do not have much choice.

It is possible - given the extremes to which karma can enter into a situation - that there could be some karmic reason for this, what happened. And it is possible that it is NOT karmic, but rather, Krsna's hand, in that He is just trying to show you how things can happen in this material world, and how our sense of attachment to a concept, a person, ANYTHING, can cause us pain.

Just see: At first this devotee approached you asking you to marry him, and you were thinking that you should not trust him, but somehow your heart changed, and then... Now, after all of the arrangements were made, somehow, he has changed his mind; "cold feet?" possibly his family "got on his case" or so many other possible reasons.

Whatever the reason, Krsna is trying to show you how "fragile" this material world is. Like a piece of glass, our "bubbles" can be IMMEDIATELY shattered and broken.

Please do NOT think that I am being impersonal. I am just speaking the truth. If I was to tell you the hell I have gone through in my life - Krsna trying His best to HIT (smash?) me with the reality, you would be amazed. At times I honestly feel that it is ONLY Srila Prabhupada Himself Who is keeping me afloat, since I was one of those people who so much wanted everything to be "ideal." But in this material world, it is very RARE that the "ideal" thing happens. (And for the devotee, in one sense, that is good. Because if it DID happen, we just MIGHT WANT to stay here.)

I HOPE that this has been of SOME form of help. Please feel free to write me further if you want to. I KNOW that this is not an easy thing for you to deal with, and I beg that you WILL BELIEVE me when I say that my empathy IS with you, because it REALLY is, DESPITE my NOT being able to give you any better answers. This material world is such a CRAZY place that even Krsna's pure devotees are forced to appear to have to suffer here. Look at what happened to Draupadi (Duhsasana) and Maharaj Yudhisthira, and the other Pandavas. Even Sita devi appeared to have to suffer. And GOOD devotees even have to DIE because of their faith in Krsna. But we are ONLY able to see the externals, the "front" of things, whereas Krsna is seeing it from ALL angles. So, somehow, Krsna has arranged this for some GOOD reason, but at this point, you may not be able to see HIS reasons for doing so.

I hope that this is of some help.

I remain your servant,
The Soul Doctor

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Question:

Hello, I am a new devotee, I just received my 7 inch Radha Krnsa & deities. I'm not very experienced at sewing. My question is does anyone know where I could purchase clothing or simple patterns? Any assistance would be helpful. Thank you.

Answer by the Soul Doctor:

In relation to your question, I have a few ideas:

Do you live anywhere near to a Krsna temple? If you do, one of the devotees there might be able to help you with patterns and sewing.

If you live near to a temple and there are devotees who will be going to India, they can purchase some Deity outfits for you in India.

You could also contact "Krishna Culture" which sells all kinds of Krsna related things; books, incense, Deities, Deity outfits, etc. They might have the exact size outfits that you are looking for.

Let me know if this is of help to you. If you don't live near to a temple or to devotees, then we can try to figure something else out. I am assuming though that you must be living in a place where you have some kind of association with devotees. Otherwise, how would you have come into contact with this Krsna consciousness movement and philosophy, and have gotten Radha-Krsna Deities.

If you need any further suggestions, please write back with a little bit more detail of your present living situation, and let's take it from there.

I hope all is well.

I remain your servant,
The Soul Doctor Hare Krsna

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